Posts archived in Cool Stuff

我们都知道, 著名的 SETI 项目, 是用 NASA 高分辨率的射电望远镜收集宇宙各个角度的电磁信息, 然后通过分布式的计算, 寻找外星人. 其实呢, 我们完全可以发挥山寨精神, 用您的手机, 笔记本电脑, 或者任何电子设备, 去检测有没有外星人的存在. 怎么检测呢, 我来一一道来.

首先, 我们说原理. 我们这个宇宙中存在着一种无处不在的辐射, 叫做宇宙背景辐射. 这种辐射, 是一种微弱的电磁波, 一般科学家认为是大爆炸的遗迹. 这种微弱的电磁波, 一般情况下对电子设备和人, 都是没什么影响的, 因为这些电磁波太弱了.

可是, 假如有外星人, 并且外星人发展到了和人类文明相当的地步, 那么外星人就会发射电磁信号寻找宇宙中的同类. 这时候, 我们接受到的电磁信号, 就会有一个方向稍微强一点. 我们可以放大这个信号, 这样, 各个方向的电磁波信号就有显著的差异. 这时候, 如果我们自己做一个土制的天线大锅, 就像这位土制无线网一样, 然后把电子芯片放在大锅的焦点, 可以想像, 这个电子芯片就会收到很多的电磁干扰. 通过一系列的理论计算, 我们可以得出, 国产 MTK 平台的塑料外壳的山寨机, 正好能够抵御宇宙背景辐射. 但是在一米直径的增强天线的聚焦下, 对于超过0.001 mW 的电磁信号, 就会产生比较明显的反应, 比如死机, 蓝屏, 或者重启.

基于这个, 我们可以这个做: 自制一个山寨版的大锅(可以在五金商店购买大锅, 不过为了环保, 可以自己用纸糊制, 内侧贴锡箔), 然后买一个山寨机 (极其重要: 一定不能买有 CE 认证的手机, 因为那些手机是屏蔽了电磁辐射的), 然后, 把您的手机开着, 抓着这口大锅做 360度旋转, 如果您的手机在旋转到某个方向的时候突然蓝屏了, 恭喜您, 您定位到外星人了.

那么, 感兴趣的朋友要问了, BP 机行不行呢. 当然行, 其实不光 BP 机可以, 任何电子器件都可以. 但是考虑到微波炉和冰箱等电子期间没有蓝屏功能, 也不便于旋转, 所以没有手机方便. 国产山寨手机价格便宜量又足, 本人强烈推荐.

注意: 检测时注意远离无线基站和高压电线, 防止干扰. 北半球南半球用户只能检测一半星空, 所以检测不到外星人也不要沮丧. 另外, 月黑风高之时, 正是没有其他恒星干扰之时, 检测效果俱佳.

那么, 有的宅男宅男和程序员朋友要问了: 有没有在家就可以检测外星人的办法哩. 当然有啦, 这里奉送一个 C 程序片段:

volatile int x = 0;
volatile int y = 0;
while (1) if (x != y) {
printf(”检测到外星人啦\n”);
y = x;
}

快掏出您心爱的手机, 检测外星人吧.

好吧, 我承认我是标题党. 其实真实的标题是: <How to Talk to Girls> 书评. 此处 girl, 除非特指, 均指美国 MM.

这书很薄, 也没有数学推导和定理证明, 几周前在书店学校花了半个小时就从前到后看完了(最后很邪恶的没买).  第一眼看到这个标题的时候, 我好奇死了. 该是怎样一个牛逼的风月高手, 才能写出<怎样和女生说话> 这样的书? 想想当年的<The Game>是纽约时报的记者潜心两年, 潜入史上最隐秘的组织”搭讪俱乐部”, 获得无数一手资料之后才写出来的. 这本”怎样和女生说话”, 想必应该是 布拉德.彼特 这样的风月高手写出来的吧? 或者, 即使不是风月高手, 也是心理学家或者带着博士帽的”女性文化研究”专家吧?

背面一看, 靠, 原来是个9岁的小孩子写的. 用我们苏北话说, 太牛X了!  我问我自己, 假如我有一个小孩, 9岁, 要写本<怎样和女生说话> 的书, 我会让他出版么? 不会, 因为我小孩子懂什么, 还不是过家家? 可是小孩子写的, 恰恰是最简单最朴素的真理. 比如: “如果你对一个女孩说 Hi, 她也对你说 Hi, 这就是一个好的开始”, 一语道破搭讪的所有诀窍. 不少人肯定不服气, 说, 九岁的小孩子的朴素道理也是朴素道理罢了, 难道”和女生约会的时候穿得要好看一点” 以及 “不要惹太漂亮的” 这个道理成年人不懂? 怎么要小孩子来教育?

错了, 全错了. 原生态的著作, 如不加奶粉的三聚氰胺 (错了, 是不加三聚氰胺的奶粉) 保证喝下去顺畅. 加了三聚氰胺的, 小仪器一检查, 哼, 蛋白质含量很高嘛, 咦, 怎么肾结石了?  原因在于, <把妹达人> 这样的书, 理论性太强, 看上去充满营养, 其实实践性太弱, 消而不化. 看得时候自信满满, 仿佛立即成了把妹达人, 做的时候如同小学生, 连“做原来的自己”都做不到了, 最后就领一张好人卡 (或者一张猥琐男卡), 或者想搞点技巧搞成了怪蜀黍. 每逢此时, 一个穿越千年的老和尚的声音就在你耳边响起 “施主, 易筋经可不能强练, 轻则走火入魔, 武功全废; 重则经脉错乱, 神智不清.” 因此, 读那些书, 从来都是故事穿肠过, 没啥心中留. 而读读原生态的书, 看看在九岁的小男孩的眼里, 怎样和九岁的小女孩说话, 说不定别有一番启发呢.  况且从数学意义上说, 女大十八变, 模九还是零, 所以, 用对付九岁的技巧对付十八岁的, 从理论上来说是等价的.

这书还有个特点, 叫做语言直白, 直指人心, 堪称当代追美国MM的坛经. 比如说吧, 这位小师傅说: “Life is hard, move on! Or sometimes it just doesn’t work out. I had a crush on a girl in preschool. Then my family had to move, so I had to let her wash out of my mind.” (人生苦短, 即时行乐. 如沉迷过去, 将不得解脱. 我曾在幼儿园的时候有意中人一枚, 因搬家之故, 不得不学太上忘情).   唉, 这样的境界, 该多少痴男怨女学习啊. 如果我们把幼儿园换成什么兰香桂坊的, 那就是”寒蝉凄切, 对长亭晚”的婉约. 把第一句换成”人生得意须尽欢”, 就是李白同学的境界. 多高妙的境界啊, 试想, 没这么直指人心的纯朴小句子, 哪能直接触及到成年人内心的小波澜?

书店里面类似于怎样和女孩说话, 怎样赚大钱等等的真理到处都是, 这是一个人生精华泛滥的年代. 所以我想, 一本书改变一生之类的说法有点扯淡, 也不必指望, 不妨先学习小师傅一下, 装备一下发现真理的”纯真眼神”, 从最朴素的大道理入手. 等朴素的大道理知道了, 熟稔了, 学会观察得到结论了, 说不定, 很快就可以和一个美国 MM 约会了.

忘了说, 这位小师傅叫做 Alec Greven. 让我们紧密团结在以小师傅为首的团伙周围, 高举“怎样和女生说话” 的红宝书, 人人行动起来, 装备起来, 勇敢的和美国MM约会吧.

附纽约时报书评: http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1865128,00.html

A short while after I posted “Why Asian girl in US doesn’t want to date me “, Niniane visited my blog and said, ·

This was pretty funny. If you are a slashdot/digg geek, shouldn’t you be running linux? Instead of a PC with 640k memory.
I must agree that LOLcats would not work on girls. The grammar is not funny! You should instead use AllYourBase.”

First, thank Niniane for visiting and leaving very helpful suggestions. According to her suggestions, I refined some sentences here:

I am running Debian sid (unstable) on my grandma’s Pentium 66MHz + 128M which is buggy so I have to reboot X after 30 minutes, while they are running Ubuntu 6.06 LTS (Long Time Support) on Core Duo + 4GB.

And next time if I want to date an Asian girl, I should say:

How are you young lady!!
All your base are belong to me.
You are on the way to our dating.

I guess it works, at least for Niniane. LOL.

I, a bitter Asian man, don’t want to insult any Asian girl. Here is a wrap-up.

The initial post is here:
Why I Don’t Date Asian Men

My response:
Why Asian girl in US doesn’t want to date me

Some other responses:
为什么我找不到中国女孩作女朋友

也说为何找不到女朋友

A funny site to see:
Bitter Asian Men

My readers, especially Asian girls, please try to be humorous and don’t treat this too seriously. If you want to send me hate mail, here is TEH ADDRASS:

youxu [A@LOLC@T] wustl.edu

MAIKE SURE U CAN LET ME LAUGH!

KTHXBYE.

(Change all [#!#$] to @)

[In response to this. Satire, proceed with caution]

I am a loser in color

Yes, I am a loser, by all means. In the first place, I am not white, and this kills me. As I’ve said, I am a loser. According to the definition of loser in Asian girls’ dictionaries, if you are not white, you’ve already been punished by ___ (fill this blank with Buddha, Jesus Christ, OMG, Flying Spaghetti Monster, etc., as long as you believe them) because you are a loser. So, you see, I am a loser in religionary view.

I am a loser in the real world

But that is not the end. I am also a loser in the real world. As a research assistant, I get about 1.7k bucks per month, which is slightly better than working at Wal*Mart. I don’t have a car; I ride my skateboard or scooter to school everyday because gas is expensive. I live in an apartment with one roommate but no pets. I am not working at Google or Microsoft for 100k+ per year because I withdrew their offers. The best company I’ve ever worked in is SIEMENS–a stupid German company, as an intern. I am a Ph.D. student of Washington University, which is far worse than Harvard, Yale, Stanford or MIT. Asian girls won’t like me at this point for my Forrest Gump’s IQ or even can’t enter a university better than George W. Bush.

I am a loser in bodybuilding

I am 5’7, while all white guys here, according to Asian girls’ descriptions, are 6′+. Milk with Calcium and Vitamin D turns out to be not so that helpful. According to Asian girls research data, all white dudes here have “hard drivers” larger than 200GB, while I was cheated by Bill Gates and thought 640k is enough. The white dudes obviously are running Linux with a quite long uptime, while my PC (personal something) has to reboot every 30 minutes maybe. I am a loser in bodybuilding.

I am a loser in language

It’s definitely true. I know tons of Tang Poetry, but it’s out-of-date. The only language, which can be used to date Asian girls, is English. As you can see, “vous êtes belle!” doesn’t work for Asian girls. Sometimes you call them and say HAI, I CAN HAZ A DATE WITH YOU? KTHBYE. And they will point out your grammatical error. Asian girls are all kindly teachers and a grammar error will totally ruin your date. I have to admit that my English ARE BELONGS to inferiority and am afraid to give them a call with my poor English. While I am officially a loser in language, Asian girls also have more than one million choices available, which are of course, US men from 18 to 80. This won’t change until I get a green card, which states I am a permanent resident, and therefore certifies I am not a loser in language anymore.

I am a loser in bridging the culture gap

Wait, do I really have culture gaps with Asian girls? Yes, I do. There is a saying: When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Here we have to replace Rome to America. Therefore, I have to act as American. I am a Pastafarian, read LOLcat bible, while general American is Christian and read Holy Bible. I am family-centric and Americans prefer NSA (w/wo condom). I hang on digg/slashdot everyday (yes, I am a geek) while Americans have party everyday. Asian girls, in the other hand, expect their significant others, to be conservative American style. I am liberal and will definitely go to hell after death, and I know I can’t bridge the culture gap.

In conclusion, I am a loser in everything. Now you can see the reasons why Asian girls don’t like me. Asian girls, “leave me alone” :)

(With a friend, walking on the street)
She: Why are you walking so fast, are Chinese people usually walking so fast? Why?
I:      Because we don’t have a car.

(On a birthday party with an American friend)
He: Nice party, huh?
I:    It’s really nice — my first birthday party in US, actually.
He: Do people in China usually have birthday parties?
I:     Not too many, once a year.
He:  …… LOL……..

(In a restaurant, with a friend)
He: How’s the food?
I:     It’s good, but you know what, I will take it home.
He: Why?
I:     I am gonna do some reverse engineering and figure out how to cook that.
He:  Emmm, well. (turn to the waiter). What’s the Term of Use of this dish?
(All people in that restaurant looked at us, as we were not from this planet)

3 comments

中秋节假新闻

同学寄来国内月饼, 打开一看: 纸馅月饼也. 有图为证:
zhongqiu.png

LOL. My second favourite song this month.

For lyrics